My Return To Mormonism

My experience managing relationships after leaving a high-demand religion

Leaving a high-demand religion is less like a triumphant break and more like a chronic condition. There’s never a true end. It’s something you just… manage. Most days it stays in the background, but then something small sets it off, and suddenly it’s the only thing in the room.

There are a million essays and podcasts and TikToks about the moment you stop believing, the crisis of faith, the deconstruction.

But nobody talks about how awkward it is going back.

Back to the town, the living room, the group chat. Back to the places where the religion still lives in everyone around you, and you’re the heathen who jumped ship.

My whole life, I have been jealous of the Easter and Christmas Christians who could get away with half-assing their religion and still claim it. Mormonism is not like that. It’s all in or all out. You show up, you commit, and you give 10% of your income to get into heaven.

I was never a very good Mormon.

So the consequences of not participating have always been ubiquitous. When I was a kid, I wasn’t Mormon “enough” to be included in all of the youth group activities. In college, I tried a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, slept with my boyfriend, and felt like judgment day was overdue. I walked around campus like a Latter-Day Hester Prynne.

But now I’m an adult, and my life choices have led me somewhere I never anticipated. I don’t just privately struggle with the religion I grew up in. I have made a career out of publicly talking about it. To millions of people. I have made hours of content criticizing and dissecting Mormonism with my dumb fake tits out and innumerable uses of colorful language.

For a while, I tried to sugarcoat my opinions, but the farther I get from my life in Utah, the less I bother. A lot of the time, it feels fucking good! I enjoy expressing myself. I feel proud of the work I’ve done, authentically sharing my story for those who resonate. Those who might not be able to share theirs.

But every once in a while, there’s a flare-up.

Because the reality is, I have made viral content harshly criticizing a lifestyle that many of my loved ones still live.